Outsourcing

On last Thursday Todd became the latest victim of outsourcing. He was made redundant by Sun Microsystems. He was completely blindsided by this. On Wednesday he had received a glowing annual review and Thursday morning he was called at home to be told he was no longer working for Sun. There is a good severance package but Todd is still hurt by losing his job. This is layoff #3 for him and it really does weigh him down.
Speaking of outsourcing. The newest tester for our company arrived from India today. I have been assured over and over that my job isn't in jeopardy but I am taking a wait and see approach. The new tester is willing to work 50 hours a week at probably 1/2 of my salary. It doesn't make me feel real safe right now.
So keep your fingers crossed for both Todd and I.
Take care.
Daria

Can't take care of one... Two on hold

Todd and I were really looking forward to attempting to get pregnant again in a few months but this weekend something happened that completely put that on hold. My medicine makes me very very tired and last Sunday the exhaustion put Lesley at risk. Todd and I usually switch of mornings on the weekend so that only one of us has to be up at the crack of dawn with Lesley. Sunday was my day and I was so tired. I convinced Lesley to watch the Elmo DVD and I fell asleep. When it was over she played Dora on the computer for a little while while I continued to snooze on the couch. Finally Lesley wanted a temporary tattoo. By now I was completely out of it... unable to even lift my head. So Lesley decided to do it herself. She got out the tattoos and the big person scissors and started cutting apart all of the tattoo. When Todd came downstairs (I am unsure why he finally came down) there was a pile of tattoos on the floor and Lesley was trying to wake me. Todd sent me back to bed and I slept till 11:50.
Later Todd told me that he was really frightened to see that I couldn't take care of Lesley. Those words hurt a lot but I know they are true. So instead of preparing for getting pregnant again that isn't going to happen now.
I was asked lately if my meds are helping me and I paused before answering. I have a hard time saying Yes to that question. I am 60 pounds heavier, unbelievably exhausted in the mornings, and depressed at how fat and ugly I have become. When I compare that to the "positives" of the meds I am unsure that meds are helping me. But the truth is Todd would leave me if I stopped taking them. So I don't really have any choice.

2 Days till SUUSI!!!!

Our family leaves Sunday morning for our one week vacation at SUUSI (Southeastern Unitarian Universalist Summer Institute) or as I affectionately call it Hippie Camp. Why hippie camp? Well UUs are very liberal, laid back people and we do a lot of tie dyeing at the camp. In fact I am actually taking a workshop called Advanced Tie Dyeing. I am also taking a workshop called "Fitness for the Unfit Female"... boy do I need this. I have gone from a size 12 to a size 18 in 6 months (thanks bipolar meds). There will also be time for photography classes and some time to just read and relax. I hope have some time to blog and post photos so check back later next week.
I hope you all have a wonderful week. Keep cool.
Daria

Super Simple Summertime FUN!!

I hope everyone had a wonderful 4th of July. We sure did.

I wanted to share another NO TV Activity that we rediscovered lately. SPRAY BOTTLE WATER FIGHTS. All you need is 1 hot day, 2 or more people, water only spray bottles (please do not reuse spray bottles that had chemicals in them), and water. We all had a blast.

Sometimes grief hits you like a ton of bricks

My daughter, Cassandra Anne, has been dead for over 2 years but the pain associated with her loss still creeps up on me and hits me like a ton of bricks. Last night Todd was cleaning up Lesley closet and he came in with a onesie he found that has a hold cut in it for Cassie's g-tube. He lifted it to his nose and inhaled deeply but there was not any of her essence left. It made my heart skip a beat and my eyes filled with tears thinking of her.
We have one of my favorite photos of Cassie in our bedroom and most nights I can look at it and it doesn't pain me but for the last week it has almost brought me to tears each time I see it. It just feels so unreal that we had a daughter who died. It makes me want to scream "Why us? Why her?". But we will never have those answers. We just keep moving on.

With Great Sadness

It is with great sadness we announce that our wonderful cat of 16 years, Winky Patchwork (at one point in her youth - HELLCAT) Farassat Akers, was put to sleep last night. For any of you who had seen her recently she had shrunk to a shadow of her former self. We were worried that she might have something wrong with her teeth. Last night Todd touched her neck and found a very large mass. The vet didn't have anything good to say and so the decision was made to put her down.
Winky has been a wonderful companion who saw me through some of the toughest times in my life. She protected me and kept a close eye on me. She put up with Lesley pushing her and laying on her and always know when we needed some kitty love.
Winky I love you... You were my first cat and I will always hold a very special place in my heart for you.
Rest in Peace.

Lesley Lou Loses Her First Tooth!!!!

Lesley lost her first tooth today at school. She is just over 5 years old and right on target for this milestone of childhood. Her permanent tooth has been growing in behind her baby teeth for about 2 weeks now and we were worried that the dentist was going to tell us that her baby too needed to be pulled. But 3 days ago her tooth began to wiggle until it finally popped loose today. It came home from school in a little tooth keeper box and tonight she put it under her pillow for the tooth fairy to take.


It was a gorgeous day today and at the suggestion of Nana (who we called with the great news) we set up the Dora sprinkler and got a little wet. We held hands and giggled as we ran through the cool water. It was absolutely wonderful.

Addictions

As far as addictions go mine isn't too bad. I am addicted to Honey and Oat granola bars. My company has them in the kitchen and I am currently eating about 5 packages a day. At 180 each that's almost 1000 calories I don't need tacked onto my waistline. I start off my morning with 2 packages for breakfast and then after my 300 calorie Lean Cuisine I polish off another 3 packages in about 10 minutes. I am literally shaking so badly by the third one I am like an addict jones-ing for a fix. The truth is by the second one I'm not hungry I just crave the sweetness in my mouth. I think all of the satisfaction in my life is coming from food now and between oat and honey granola bars and Dairy Queen blizzards I'm going to be 200 pounds by the end of the summer.
I sure wish we could buy will power because I don't have much. I guess this is why I don't drink... if I ever started I wouldn't stop.

A Weekend Visitor

I was lucky enough this weekend to have a drive by visitor. My very best friend from High School, Dale, was in the area and we managed to get together for dinner. Dale has known me since 7th grade but we didn't hit it off until High School. He probably remembers more about my life back then than I do (have I mentioned that my mind is like Swiss cheese... I can't remember most of my life). Anyway it was great to see him and to realize that we all are struggling to figure out the right path to take in this crazy world. It isn't just an issue that I face.
Lots of love,
Daria

Over a month sincce I posted...

Well it's been over a month and a half since I posted on my blog. I think that makes me a failed blogger. I had such great plans for the blog when I was manic but now that I have returned to sanity I just don't have the energy or faith in my abilities to actually write something worthwhile.
People have been asking me how I have been doing and I say OK. The truth is I am kinda sad. I miss the person I was when I was manic. Not the person who scared her daughter and husband but the person who felt like she could conquer anything, the person who thought she could change the world (or at least her corner of it). I was so proud of the Karma sale. I was so excited to be moving back to Blacksburg. But now I am just, well, here. I have put on about 20 pounds since January. Eat like there is no tomorrow. I don't exercise. I also wish I had a more fulfilling job. A calling. Something that helps the world. But I am 33 and make WAYYYYY too much money to start over in a new career.
Oh well... there is always the next time around.

Another Day

I've discovered that a lot of people are keeping up with me though my blog so I'd better keep it updated. I am feeling better but sort of Blah these days. This week I am going to attempt to work 40 hours. This isn't easy since I have 2 counselor appointments and occupational therapy with Lesley. I could flex my hours but there still isn't a lot of work for me to do right now.
I was really lucky because Todd was out of town last weekend and my mother-in-law came up and helped me with Lesley. It's just horrible... I have sort of checked out as a Mom. I can't even think of ideas to do with her. As I write this I can hear Todd and Lesley having the greatest time upstairs. He is an amazing father.
Well back to cooking dinner.... Got to earn my keep some how.
Take Care,
Daria

What do you do when all self esteem is gone?

You know what is great about mania? The fact that you think you are King of the WORLD. I have never had as much self esteem as I did during the Karma Sale that I hosted. 3 days before I was hospitalized I was throwing a yard sale for charity that raised over $600. It was an amazing feeling. But it wasn't really me. It was Manic Daria. Which means that all the happiness, self confidence and joy is gone again. Like right now I am working on a project at work. I just can not for the life of me "get it". I can't figure out the test cases. I can't get the simple load to work correctly and the developer doesn't have the time to hold my hand (this dude is so good he is pulled in 8 different directions.) I am working on 1 project. That is all they are asking of me and I can't do it. I feel horrible.

What do you do when all self esteem is gone?

You know what is great about mania? The fact that you think you are King of the WORLD. I have never had as much self esteem as I did during the Karama Sale that I hosted. 3 days before I was hospitalized I was throwing a yard sale for charity that raised over $600. It was an amazing feeling. But it wasn't really me. It was Manic Daria. Which means that all the happiness, self confidence and joy is gone again. Like right now I am working on a project at work. I just can not for the life of me "get it". I can't figure out the test cases. I can't get the simple load to work correctly and the developer doesn't have the time to hold my hand (this dude is so good he is pulled in 8 different directions.) I am working on 1 project. That is all they are asking of me and I can't do it. I feel horrible.

An Amazing Gift

This morning I got an amazing gift from one of my coworkers. I very quietly say hi to him in passing and went back to my office to get to work (I was late coming in). He came into me office a few minutes later and talked with me about what was going on. he told me that he knew I was a very bright person, that I was cheerful and a caring person and a really good tester. He told me I should quit worrying about being a good tester. I am one. I just need to take some time to take care of myself and get back to being myself.
I am trying. It is just very very hard.

Which way is up???

My world just seems to be crumbling down and I don't know what to do. I have been crying for days. The doctor is tweaking my meds but it could be anything. It could be the depressive state that occurs after a mania period in people with bipolar, it could be my new birth control, it could be hormones, it could be the mood stablizer. It is a dance between all of these things that leaves me twirling and falling down dizzy and very confused. Exhausted and wanting the music to just stop.
I am feeling so overwhelmed with life... and yet so underwhelmed with work. I am rolling off a project and it sounds like I won't be needed for another project for about a month. What am I supposed to do with that time? Especially since I have such little drive. Maybe I am asking for too much. Or maybe I am expecting too much of myself.
Well off to bed. It's 9pm and I am turning into a pumpkin.
Daria

Another week...

I don't know WHAT is going on with me. I am so exhausted and cried most of the week. Part of it is that I am always hazy, tired and unmotivated. I am coming to the realization that my company doesn't need me. It's so weird. Either I am not testing enough or there isn't enough testing to keep me busy full time. Right now that is a good thing because I have so many appointments but I don't know what will happen when I am off short term disability and need to clock 40 hours. I am also reading these requirements documents for new products and it is like GREEK. At my last company I was a Subject Matter Expert (SME) on practically everything I touched but here I feel like I am barely treading water. Maybe it is because the Internet is my playground while telecom isn't.

Well enough of my pity party (I know some of you are OVER hearing me say "why me") on a brighter note.... Lesley put on her jammies by herself tonight. Dora was on and she grabbed the shirt and put it on. She accidentally got an arm in the head hole then pulled it out and plugged the head hole with her head. Then she figured out how to get each arm in. She put on the pants while sitting on the floor. She stood up and her feet were still in the legs she she sat back down and fixed it so her feet were out and then she stood up and pulled the pants up over her diaper. The whole process took about 10 minutes but it was amazing to watch her trouble shoot the whole thing. When she was done there was a huge round of hugs and she was just beaming with pride. It was cool to watch. Now if only I could get her potty trained.

Things Are Settling Down

This second week seems to be better. I am trying not to expect too much out of myself then I am not constantly disappointed. I know that I am fraction of the person I was last year and that makes me sad but no one has said that they are disappointed with me yet so that is cool.
I am completely struggling with the whole Higher Power thing still. For some reason almost all forms of "recovery" are based on a 12 step program that talks about a Higher Power. Yes, there is even a 12 step program for people with bipolar (Affective Disorders Anonymous). Here are the 12 steps for that program:

1. We admitted we were powerless over our affective disorder-- that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of the God of our understanding.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we have harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with the God of our understanding, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to persons with affective disorder and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Yeah I just can't do that. On some days it really feels like there is a Higher Power. In fact in the hospital I truly believed for a few days but now that I am out and back to being "sane" I'm not buying the completely irrational belief (I am not meaning to offend anyone) that there is a God. Why is believing in God not "magical thinking" (a sign of bipolar mania)?
This week I don't see my therapist so maybe that is why I don't have the Higher Power warm fuzzies. She gets me to put aside my rational scientific side and open my heart to the hope that I am not truly alone. Because let me tell you alone is a very sad and hopeless place to be.
Take Care,
Daria

My First Week

Several friends have contacted me about my first week at work so I thought I would just leave a note here. Monday I went to see my triage psychiatrist though PHP (partial hospital program) dressed to the nines and ready to return to work. I told the doctor I was really ready to return to work and just needed a note that said so. With some reluctance she wrote me a note that I could work up to 32 hours a week until further notice. Little did I know that 32 hours was so long. I only managed 24 and by the weekend I just wanted to roll up into a ball and do nothing. The enormity of what I am dealing with is just beginning to hit me. My mind is functioning like it is filled with sludge. I wake at about 10am (I get up at 7am but don't truly begin to function till much later). I have a very hard time following things, like requirements documents (scary since it is part of my JOB!!). I am very very depressed. My father talks to me like I am scaring him, like he is sad for me and doesn't have a clue what to say to me (but he likes to drop things like my grandmother warned him not to marry my mom). He begs me to talk to his wife, THE DOCTOR, or the other person in our family who is bipolar but I DON'T WANT TO. I want to sleep. I want this to be over. I want to be NORMAL. I want my intelligence back, my daughter to want to be with me, I don't want 3 different therapists appointments a week (couples therapy, EMDR for Lesley, and my therapist appt). THIS SUCKS!! Well it's about 9pm so it's time for me to head to bed. Better (WHATEVER) living thought chemistry.

A little bit about the 4th floor

I want to let everyone know a little bit about how disorienting the 4th floor is. While I fully admit that I needed to be in a psych ward on Jan 2nd. I do not believe I needed to be there for 10 days. I also think that there are many things about being on the 4th floor that if corrected would make patients feel more like human beings and less like inmates. When I first entered the 4th floor I truly didn't know which way was up. My whole world was gone. I was disoriented and I felt like I was the lead character in a "mind fuck" movie such as Jacob's Ladder, The Matrix, or The Game. If you look back in my blog right before Jan. 2nd I had published a post about INOVA Fairfax screwing up my family and if they would just apologize then everything would be better. On Jan. 2nd, I felt that by going to Fairfax INOVA someone would read my blog and tell us just what they had found out about Cassie's case, why she had died, and what safeguards they had put in place so that no other child would die. I remember bits of the conversion that I was having with my husband in the ER when he seemed to be talking in riddles to me... things like "Everyone is watching you". I felt that if I just said the "right thing" Willy Wonka would come into my room and hand me the keys to the factory. When I was being wheeled onto the 4th floor I heard an announcement for creative therapy starting and I swore it was a code that I was on the floor and all the actors could begin the scenes that would help me get over the loss of Cassandra. I didn't know that creative therapy was the daily time in the arts and craft studio. But enough about me for right now.

There are 4 types of professionals on the 4th floor:

1. Therapists - These are the people who run the therapy sessions. From the community meetings in the morning, creative therapy, movement therapy, group, to wrap up at the end of the day. By and far they treat the patients with the MOST amount of dignity and respect. Without them I don't know how I would have survived. I'd like to send a special shout out to Vern. He really helped me with some major concepts like Higher Power (which I still wrestle with). The one problem with the therapists is that they are not drugged. I don't think that they understand just how slow you become on most of these meds. They rattle off information in the community meeting so quickly most of the patients can't process it. I asked time and time again for the rules in writing and finally got them on day 9.
   
2. Nurses - Some nurses are better than others, I'd say about 2/3 of them treat patients with respect. The answer to issues such as being unable to sleep is ALWAYS more drugs which was very hard because some us us wanted to do this as drug free as possible. I actually heard one night nurse say to another that they do not respect the patients until the patient gets with the program and takes their meds.
3. Technicians - The technicians who monitor the elevator, take vitals signs and walk the floor making sure everyone is still there are the least respectful to the patients. Even though each room has a note on it about how to enter a room, very few of the technicians enter that way. I was actually sleeping one afternoon when a technician came into my room and woke me up to take my vitals. She told me that vitals were soooo important that she had to wake me up (remember I was there because I was manic and hadn't slept for days). Then one of her coworkers or her supervisors came into the room and began fighting with her at the foot of my bed. I told them I wanted to go back to sleep and they told me to go right ahead and they continued arguing. I finally had to leave my room and ask a doctor to remove them. That got them out VERY quickly.
4. Doctors - I was lucky to have a pretty decent care team. There was a doctor, a resident, and a med student. I totally didn't mesh with my Doctor but the resident was very respondent to my concerns. Because I was very foggy for my stay on the fourth floor I actually wrote letters to my doctors with my concerns. Sometimes they would up my dosage of meds and not tell me about it, then the night nurse would be the person who came with extra pills and I would question them. I wish they would explain things a little better and once again understand that all of their patients are drugged out of their gourd.

Well that's a little bit about the 4th floor... I hope you never have to experience it.
There will be more later.
Take Care,
Daria

Back to Work Tomorrow

Tomorrow morning, after my psychiatrist appointment, I am heading into work. This is the first time I will be at work since the end of 2006. How do I feel? Scared, terrified, and sad. My meds makes me so sleepy. I don't wake up until 11am, then I feel thick as a brick most of the day, I'd love a nap at about 4pm and if I don't eat regularly I get the shakes and want to vomit. On top of all of that I have SOOOOO many appointments for myself and Lesley that I need have my work schedule dropped to 4 days a week (or 32 hours). Basically I think I am barely even a shell of the employee I was before my break and if I was an employer I don't think I would want me.

If this is going to be the rest of my life (and people tell me it won't be but who would have the guts to tell me otherwise) I see why manic depressed people go off their meds. This SUCKS and no one seems to hear me say that.

Well it is 10pm so it is time for bed (now that I am on these WONDERFUL drugs.)
Daria