My First Week

Several friends have contacted me about my first week at work so I thought I would just leave a note here. Monday I went to see my triage psychiatrist though PHP (partial hospital program) dressed to the nines and ready to return to work. I told the doctor I was really ready to return to work and just needed a note that said so. With some reluctance she wrote me a note that I could work up to 32 hours a week until further notice. Little did I know that 32 hours was so long. I only managed 24 and by the weekend I just wanted to roll up into a ball and do nothing. The enormity of what I am dealing with is just beginning to hit me. My mind is functioning like it is filled with sludge. I wake at about 10am (I get up at 7am but don't truly begin to function till much later). I have a very hard time following things, like requirements documents (scary since it is part of my JOB!!). I am very very depressed. My father talks to me like I am scaring him, like he is sad for me and doesn't have a clue what to say to me (but he likes to drop things like my grandmother warned him not to marry my mom). He begs me to talk to his wife, THE DOCTOR, or the other person in our family who is bipolar but I DON'T WANT TO. I want to sleep. I want this to be over. I want to be NORMAL. I want my intelligence back, my daughter to want to be with me, I don't want 3 different therapists appointments a week (couples therapy, EMDR for Lesley, and my therapist appt). THIS SUCKS!! Well it's about 9pm so it's time for me to head to bed. Better (WHATEVER) living thought chemistry.

A little bit about the 4th floor

I want to let everyone know a little bit about how disorienting the 4th floor is. While I fully admit that I needed to be in a psych ward on Jan 2nd. I do not believe I needed to be there for 10 days. I also think that there are many things about being on the 4th floor that if corrected would make patients feel more like human beings and less like inmates. When I first entered the 4th floor I truly didn't know which way was up. My whole world was gone. I was disoriented and I felt like I was the lead character in a "mind fuck" movie such as Jacob's Ladder, The Matrix, or The Game. If you look back in my blog right before Jan. 2nd I had published a post about INOVA Fairfax screwing up my family and if they would just apologize then everything would be better. On Jan. 2nd, I felt that by going to Fairfax INOVA someone would read my blog and tell us just what they had found out about Cassie's case, why she had died, and what safeguards they had put in place so that no other child would die. I remember bits of the conversion that I was having with my husband in the ER when he seemed to be talking in riddles to me... things like "Everyone is watching you". I felt that if I just said the "right thing" Willy Wonka would come into my room and hand me the keys to the factory. When I was being wheeled onto the 4th floor I heard an announcement for creative therapy starting and I swore it was a code that I was on the floor and all the actors could begin the scenes that would help me get over the loss of Cassandra. I didn't know that creative therapy was the daily time in the arts and craft studio. But enough about me for right now.

There are 4 types of professionals on the 4th floor:

1. Therapists - These are the people who run the therapy sessions. From the community meetings in the morning, creative therapy, movement therapy, group, to wrap up at the end of the day. By and far they treat the patients with the MOST amount of dignity and respect. Without them I don't know how I would have survived. I'd like to send a special shout out to Vern. He really helped me with some major concepts like Higher Power (which I still wrestle with). The one problem with the therapists is that they are not drugged. I don't think that they understand just how slow you become on most of these meds. They rattle off information in the community meeting so quickly most of the patients can't process it. I asked time and time again for the rules in writing and finally got them on day 9.
   
2. Nurses - Some nurses are better than others, I'd say about 2/3 of them treat patients with respect. The answer to issues such as being unable to sleep is ALWAYS more drugs which was very hard because some us us wanted to do this as drug free as possible. I actually heard one night nurse say to another that they do not respect the patients until the patient gets with the program and takes their meds.
3. Technicians - The technicians who monitor the elevator, take vitals signs and walk the floor making sure everyone is still there are the least respectful to the patients. Even though each room has a note on it about how to enter a room, very few of the technicians enter that way. I was actually sleeping one afternoon when a technician came into my room and woke me up to take my vitals. She told me that vitals were soooo important that she had to wake me up (remember I was there because I was manic and hadn't slept for days). Then one of her coworkers or her supervisors came into the room and began fighting with her at the foot of my bed. I told them I wanted to go back to sleep and they told me to go right ahead and they continued arguing. I finally had to leave my room and ask a doctor to remove them. That got them out VERY quickly.
4. Doctors - I was lucky to have a pretty decent care team. There was a doctor, a resident, and a med student. I totally didn't mesh with my Doctor but the resident was very respondent to my concerns. Because I was very foggy for my stay on the fourth floor I actually wrote letters to my doctors with my concerns. Sometimes they would up my dosage of meds and not tell me about it, then the night nurse would be the person who came with extra pills and I would question them. I wish they would explain things a little better and once again understand that all of their patients are drugged out of their gourd.

Well that's a little bit about the 4th floor... I hope you never have to experience it.
There will be more later.
Take Care,
Daria

Back to Work Tomorrow

Tomorrow morning, after my psychiatrist appointment, I am heading into work. This is the first time I will be at work since the end of 2006. How do I feel? Scared, terrified, and sad. My meds makes me so sleepy. I don't wake up until 11am, then I feel thick as a brick most of the day, I'd love a nap at about 4pm and if I don't eat regularly I get the shakes and want to vomit. On top of all of that I have SOOOOO many appointments for myself and Lesley that I need have my work schedule dropped to 4 days a week (or 32 hours). Basically I think I am barely even a shell of the employee I was before my break and if I was an employer I don't think I would want me.

If this is going to be the rest of my life (and people tell me it won't be but who would have the guts to tell me otherwise) I see why manic depressed people go off their meds. This SUCKS and no one seems to hear me say that.

Well it is 10pm so it is time for bed (now that I am on these WONDERFUL drugs.)
Daria

Updates from the Akers

Update on my Dad: Thanks to everyone who thought good thoughts for my dad. His eye is getting much better. He has regained about 95% of his sight. What is left is a small hourglass of haze in the center of his eye. Sight may or may not return.

Update on Me: I am out of the Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP) but still pretty fuzzy from the drugs. If I take them too late at night I am VERY drugged up in the morning (till about 11am). I am seeing a therapist and trying to get with a psychiatrist (it is VERY hard to get an appointment with them). My therapist is awesome. I get my new car tomorrow. Red Toyota Camry Hybrid. Just like Dad's but in a cooler color.

Update on Lesley: She is really acting up and acting out. She could be sick like Todd or my absence and mysterious reappearance has thrown her for a loop. My therapist has suggested that I find an EMDR - Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing - child therapist for her. Basically ANYTHING that will help would be nice right now. That girl is WEARING me out! Her 5th birthday party is on Saturday at Cardinal gym. OHHH yeah and she has several videos up on You Tube now. TAAADAAAAAA. She cracks me up.

Need Good Thoughts Again.

Yesterday my Dad woke up and couldn't see anything out of his left eye. I diagnosed him as possibly having a detached retina (I am not a doctor I just play one with my family and friends). Well Dad doesn't have a detached retina... he had a mini stroke. This morning he is going to be having a MRI with contrast to see if he has been having other mini stokes. My guess (as a wanna be doctor) is that he has been. This past year my dad has been acting WEIRD. He bought a car without researching it like he usually would, his balance has been failing (I didn't know this till last night), and he has been forgetting things. He just hasn't been a sharp. I mentioned the possibility of dementia to him in the Fall and he got so mad at me. I dropped it and now I wish I hadn't.

One last little note.. Dad was a major helper at my Karma sale. Maybe the Karma you get isn't the Karma you WANT instead it is the Karma you NEED.

Blessed be,
Daria

PS Please send good thoughts to my "little" brother Jaron, also known as Tall One by Lesley, who had an audition at Loyola in New Orleans last weekend. He wants to skip his senior year of high school and head down to NO to learn to be a Jazz percussionist.

Kicked off the 4th Floor....Who would have thought?

Norms are the unwritten, unspoken rules that govern a group. When you are a new member of the group it is VERY important to pick up on these rules as quick as possible so that you can fit in. Some places have learned that the quickest way to make outsiders into members of a group is to have these norms converted into written, easy to understand rules. I first learned about norms at the DLE (Director of Lifespan Education) Kickoff Weekend for our church, Accotink Unitarian Universalist Church, last fall. But since then I have looked for them everywhere.

The most recent run-in with norms was the 4th floor (psych ward) of Fairfax INOVA Hospital. Every morning starts with a community meeting. The therapist running the meeting rattles off the rules of the ward. All of this stuff is old hat to them but brand new for the people who are there for the first time. This is just WONDERFUL (sarcasm) for those those of us who are visual learners. For me, the rules went in one ear and out another. I was finally able to get a written version on my LAST day in the ward. That was on day 10 of my stay. By then I had figured out the rules and discovered who "ran" the floor (this wasn't the doctors, nurses or technicians by the way).

There was another rumor of a rule that I heard a lot while in-patient. It was that patients who are released can not come back to visit for a certain period of time. The rumors ranged from 30 to 60 days before you could come back. Well tonight I decided to see if that rule was correct. I have several friends who are in-patient now and I wanted to visit them. A few of my friends have become patients AFTER being in the partial hospitalization program (PHP) that I attend. There are other friends who are still patients from the time when I was a patient. And finally one of my previous roommates from the 4th floor has returned to in-patient status. I showed up during visiting hours (6pm-8pm) and said I was there to visit my former roommate. She is a very nice, older black woman who does'nt get many visitors because she isn't from this area. When I talked to her on the phone earlier in the evening I asked her if she would like me to visit and she said yes. I asked her to put on her red outfit (my personal favorite) and said I would be there soon. I grabbed half my sugar free candy stash for all the patients who's mouths are always dry because of the meds and headed off to see the gang.

I arrived at 6:30 and signed in at the nurse's station facing the elevator. You could tell the person at the desk knew me from somewhere but she just wasn't sure from where. In order to figure out the room my former roommate was now residing in I check THE BOARD. All knowledge is derived from THE BOARD - Patient names, assigned nurses and doctors, and the group all patients belong to. I discovered that my former roommate was in the last room on the hall I used to be on. I went down to find her and had a brief moment of panic as I discovered the rooms didn't have ROOM NUMBERS. See, the 4th floor psych ward is in the old part of Fairfax Hospital and it is sort of falling apart. Don't get me wrong I love the Engineering team. They are a hard working group who didn't laugh at me when I told them that I really wish my room had a room number (I couldn't find my room and being lost is one of my biggest fears). I knocked on the door and when I got no response from the room my roommate was supposed to be in I headed back to the nurses station where the nurse informed me that she was in creative arts (Why she didn't mention that earlier I do not know). I wandered down to the most amazing art studio hidden in Northern Virginia. My former roommate was busy finishing her painting so I agreed to meet with her later. I went to the dining area and plopped down with 3 other friends and one Dad (who had just driven down from OHIO - DADS ROCK). I passed the sugar free candy to the man who got me through my stay on the 4th floor. Basically I felt that the candy should stay with him since if the staff got it, it would become the STAFF'S candy when it was brought for the patients.

20 minutes into my stay a nurse came in to tell me I had to leave because (is everyone ready for the RULE) patients can not return until 6 MONTHS after they leave. 6 Months??? Are you kidding me? She told me I could talk to the charge nurse but that would have been confrontational and I can't do that. Oh and by the way the reason she remembered me was because I taught her how to make my origami unit ornament. So for all of you who think my "I'm a great teacher" comments are over the top.... remember it got me thrown off the 4th floor.

Take Care,
Daria

Karma Sale: Good Karma?

What if the Good Karma I received from my Karma Sale was a diagnosis of bipolar and a crisis of (discovery of?) faith?
Many people have heard me say that I think the Good Karma I got from my Karma Sale is the fact that I had a psychotic break which lead to my diagnosis of bipolar that finally made me decide that there is a God (or for my friend Max g-d). I can imagine that in their head that doesn't sound like Good Karma. But let's think about that... My mom committed suicide when I was 18. I used to say that it was because she had cancer but now I know that wasn't the WHOLE story. My mom was probably a depressed manic depressive person who didn't have any treatment. Finally when I went off to college, she probably didn't feel as needed as she once did. She was fighting her second round of cancer and life wasn't worth living any more. This will NEVER happen to me. I will be in treatment of some sort for the rest of my life. Even if it is just surrounding myself with a great community of people who love me and can tell me when I need to get some help.
The second part of this is my discovery of God, g-d, Higher Power, or whatever I am finally going to call it. It is too late for me to get into this tonight so I will post about it tomorrow. Some people are going to get it and some others are not (Like my gyn who is scared of religious talk). This is my realization and I am not proselytizing. Some might call it testifying but I am not out to convert you at all. I just want to share what happened.
Tomorrow.
Lots of love,
Daria