Another Day

I've discovered that a lot of people are keeping up with me though my blog so I'd better keep it updated. I am feeling better but sort of Blah these days. This week I am going to attempt to work 40 hours. This isn't easy since I have 2 counselor appointments and occupational therapy with Lesley. I could flex my hours but there still isn't a lot of work for me to do right now.
I was really lucky because Todd was out of town last weekend and my mother-in-law came up and helped me with Lesley. It's just horrible... I have sort of checked out as a Mom. I can't even think of ideas to do with her. As I write this I can hear Todd and Lesley having the greatest time upstairs. He is an amazing father.
Well back to cooking dinner.... Got to earn my keep some how.
Take Care,
Daria

What do you do when all self esteem is gone?

You know what is great about mania? The fact that you think you are King of the WORLD. I have never had as much self esteem as I did during the Karma Sale that I hosted. 3 days before I was hospitalized I was throwing a yard sale for charity that raised over $600. It was an amazing feeling. But it wasn't really me. It was Manic Daria. Which means that all the happiness, self confidence and joy is gone again. Like right now I am working on a project at work. I just can not for the life of me "get it". I can't figure out the test cases. I can't get the simple load to work correctly and the developer doesn't have the time to hold my hand (this dude is so good he is pulled in 8 different directions.) I am working on 1 project. That is all they are asking of me and I can't do it. I feel horrible.

What do you do when all self esteem is gone?

You know what is great about mania? The fact that you think you are King of the WORLD. I have never had as much self esteem as I did during the Karama Sale that I hosted. 3 days before I was hospitalized I was throwing a yard sale for charity that raised over $600. It was an amazing feeling. But it wasn't really me. It was Manic Daria. Which means that all the happiness, self confidence and joy is gone again. Like right now I am working on a project at work. I just can not for the life of me "get it". I can't figure out the test cases. I can't get the simple load to work correctly and the developer doesn't have the time to hold my hand (this dude is so good he is pulled in 8 different directions.) I am working on 1 project. That is all they are asking of me and I can't do it. I feel horrible.

An Amazing Gift

This morning I got an amazing gift from one of my coworkers. I very quietly say hi to him in passing and went back to my office to get to work (I was late coming in). He came into me office a few minutes later and talked with me about what was going on. he told me that he knew I was a very bright person, that I was cheerful and a caring person and a really good tester. He told me I should quit worrying about being a good tester. I am one. I just need to take some time to take care of myself and get back to being myself.
I am trying. It is just very very hard.

Which way is up???

My world just seems to be crumbling down and I don't know what to do. I have been crying for days. The doctor is tweaking my meds but it could be anything. It could be the depressive state that occurs after a mania period in people with bipolar, it could be my new birth control, it could be hormones, it could be the mood stablizer. It is a dance between all of these things that leaves me twirling and falling down dizzy and very confused. Exhausted and wanting the music to just stop.
I am feeling so overwhelmed with life... and yet so underwhelmed with work. I am rolling off a project and it sounds like I won't be needed for another project for about a month. What am I supposed to do with that time? Especially since I have such little drive. Maybe I am asking for too much. Or maybe I am expecting too much of myself.
Well off to bed. It's 9pm and I am turning into a pumpkin.
Daria

Another week...

I don't know WHAT is going on with me. I am so exhausted and cried most of the week. Part of it is that I am always hazy, tired and unmotivated. I am coming to the realization that my company doesn't need me. It's so weird. Either I am not testing enough or there isn't enough testing to keep me busy full time. Right now that is a good thing because I have so many appointments but I don't know what will happen when I am off short term disability and need to clock 40 hours. I am also reading these requirements documents for new products and it is like GREEK. At my last company I was a Subject Matter Expert (SME) on practically everything I touched but here I feel like I am barely treading water. Maybe it is because the Internet is my playground while telecom isn't.

Well enough of my pity party (I know some of you are OVER hearing me say "why me") on a brighter note.... Lesley put on her jammies by herself tonight. Dora was on and she grabbed the shirt and put it on. She accidentally got an arm in the head hole then pulled it out and plugged the head hole with her head. Then she figured out how to get each arm in. She put on the pants while sitting on the floor. She stood up and her feet were still in the legs she she sat back down and fixed it so her feet were out and then she stood up and pulled the pants up over her diaper. The whole process took about 10 minutes but it was amazing to watch her trouble shoot the whole thing. When she was done there was a huge round of hugs and she was just beaming with pride. It was cool to watch. Now if only I could get her potty trained.

Things Are Settling Down

This second week seems to be better. I am trying not to expect too much out of myself then I am not constantly disappointed. I know that I am fraction of the person I was last year and that makes me sad but no one has said that they are disappointed with me yet so that is cool.
I am completely struggling with the whole Higher Power thing still. For some reason almost all forms of "recovery" are based on a 12 step program that talks about a Higher Power. Yes, there is even a 12 step program for people with bipolar (Affective Disorders Anonymous). Here are the 12 steps for that program:

1. We admitted we were powerless over our affective disorder-- that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of the God of our understanding.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we have harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with the God of our understanding, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to persons with affective disorder and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Yeah I just can't do that. On some days it really feels like there is a Higher Power. In fact in the hospital I truly believed for a few days but now that I am out and back to being "sane" I'm not buying the completely irrational belief (I am not meaning to offend anyone) that there is a God. Why is believing in God not "magical thinking" (a sign of bipolar mania)?
This week I don't see my therapist so maybe that is why I don't have the Higher Power warm fuzzies. She gets me to put aside my rational scientific side and open my heart to the hope that I am not truly alone. Because let me tell you alone is a very sad and hopeless place to be.
Take Care,
Daria