Addictions

As far as addictions go mine isn't too bad. I am addicted to Honey and Oat granola bars. My company has them in the kitchen and I am currently eating about 5 packages a day. At 180 each that's almost 1000 calories I don't need tacked onto my waistline. I start off my morning with 2 packages for breakfast and then after my 300 calorie Lean Cuisine I polish off another 3 packages in about 10 minutes. I am literally shaking so badly by the third one I am like an addict jones-ing for a fix. The truth is by the second one I'm not hungry I just crave the sweetness in my mouth. I think all of the satisfaction in my life is coming from food now and between oat and honey granola bars and Dairy Queen blizzards I'm going to be 200 pounds by the end of the summer.
I sure wish we could buy will power because I don't have much. I guess this is why I don't drink... if I ever started I wouldn't stop.

A Weekend Visitor

I was lucky enough this weekend to have a drive by visitor. My very best friend from High School, Dale, was in the area and we managed to get together for dinner. Dale has known me since 7th grade but we didn't hit it off until High School. He probably remembers more about my life back then than I do (have I mentioned that my mind is like Swiss cheese... I can't remember most of my life). Anyway it was great to see him and to realize that we all are struggling to figure out the right path to take in this crazy world. It isn't just an issue that I face.
Lots of love,
Daria

Over a month sincce I posted...

Well it's been over a month and a half since I posted on my blog. I think that makes me a failed blogger. I had such great plans for the blog when I was manic but now that I have returned to sanity I just don't have the energy or faith in my abilities to actually write something worthwhile.
People have been asking me how I have been doing and I say OK. The truth is I am kinda sad. I miss the person I was when I was manic. Not the person who scared her daughter and husband but the person who felt like she could conquer anything, the person who thought she could change the world (or at least her corner of it). I was so proud of the Karma sale. I was so excited to be moving back to Blacksburg. But now I am just, well, here. I have put on about 20 pounds since January. Eat like there is no tomorrow. I don't exercise. I also wish I had a more fulfilling job. A calling. Something that helps the world. But I am 33 and make WAYYYYY too much money to start over in a new career.
Oh well... there is always the next time around.

Another Day

I've discovered that a lot of people are keeping up with me though my blog so I'd better keep it updated. I am feeling better but sort of Blah these days. This week I am going to attempt to work 40 hours. This isn't easy since I have 2 counselor appointments and occupational therapy with Lesley. I could flex my hours but there still isn't a lot of work for me to do right now.
I was really lucky because Todd was out of town last weekend and my mother-in-law came up and helped me with Lesley. It's just horrible... I have sort of checked out as a Mom. I can't even think of ideas to do with her. As I write this I can hear Todd and Lesley having the greatest time upstairs. He is an amazing father.
Well back to cooking dinner.... Got to earn my keep some how.
Take Care,
Daria

What do you do when all self esteem is gone?

You know what is great about mania? The fact that you think you are King of the WORLD. I have never had as much self esteem as I did during the Karma Sale that I hosted. 3 days before I was hospitalized I was throwing a yard sale for charity that raised over $600. It was an amazing feeling. But it wasn't really me. It was Manic Daria. Which means that all the happiness, self confidence and joy is gone again. Like right now I am working on a project at work. I just can not for the life of me "get it". I can't figure out the test cases. I can't get the simple load to work correctly and the developer doesn't have the time to hold my hand (this dude is so good he is pulled in 8 different directions.) I am working on 1 project. That is all they are asking of me and I can't do it. I feel horrible.

What do you do when all self esteem is gone?

You know what is great about mania? The fact that you think you are King of the WORLD. I have never had as much self esteem as I did during the Karama Sale that I hosted. 3 days before I was hospitalized I was throwing a yard sale for charity that raised over $600. It was an amazing feeling. But it wasn't really me. It was Manic Daria. Which means that all the happiness, self confidence and joy is gone again. Like right now I am working on a project at work. I just can not for the life of me "get it". I can't figure out the test cases. I can't get the simple load to work correctly and the developer doesn't have the time to hold my hand (this dude is so good he is pulled in 8 different directions.) I am working on 1 project. That is all they are asking of me and I can't do it. I feel horrible.

An Amazing Gift

This morning I got an amazing gift from one of my coworkers. I very quietly say hi to him in passing and went back to my office to get to work (I was late coming in). He came into me office a few minutes later and talked with me about what was going on. he told me that he knew I was a very bright person, that I was cheerful and a caring person and a really good tester. He told me I should quit worrying about being a good tester. I am one. I just need to take some time to take care of myself and get back to being myself.
I am trying. It is just very very hard.