Things Are Settling Down

This second week seems to be better. I am trying not to expect too much out of myself then I am not constantly disappointed. I know that I am fraction of the person I was last year and that makes me sad but no one has said that they are disappointed with me yet so that is cool.
I am completely struggling with the whole Higher Power thing still. For some reason almost all forms of "recovery" are based on a 12 step program that talks about a Higher Power. Yes, there is even a 12 step program for people with bipolar (Affective Disorders Anonymous). Here are the 12 steps for that program:

1. We admitted we were powerless over our affective disorder-- that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of the God of our understanding.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we have harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with the God of our understanding, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to persons with affective disorder and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Yeah I just can't do that. On some days it really feels like there is a Higher Power. In fact in the hospital I truly believed for a few days but now that I am out and back to being "sane" I'm not buying the completely irrational belief (I am not meaning to offend anyone) that there is a God. Why is believing in God not "magical thinking" (a sign of bipolar mania)?
This week I don't see my therapist so maybe that is why I don't have the Higher Power warm fuzzies. She gets me to put aside my rational scientific side and open my heart to the hope that I am not truly alone. Because let me tell you alone is a very sad and hopeless place to be.
Take Care,
Daria

My First Week

Several friends have contacted me about my first week at work so I thought I would just leave a note here. Monday I went to see my triage psychiatrist though PHP (partial hospital program) dressed to the nines and ready to return to work. I told the doctor I was really ready to return to work and just needed a note that said so. With some reluctance she wrote me a note that I could work up to 32 hours a week until further notice. Little did I know that 32 hours was so long. I only managed 24 and by the weekend I just wanted to roll up into a ball and do nothing. The enormity of what I am dealing with is just beginning to hit me. My mind is functioning like it is filled with sludge. I wake at about 10am (I get up at 7am but don't truly begin to function till much later). I have a very hard time following things, like requirements documents (scary since it is part of my JOB!!). I am very very depressed. My father talks to me like I am scaring him, like he is sad for me and doesn't have a clue what to say to me (but he likes to drop things like my grandmother warned him not to marry my mom). He begs me to talk to his wife, THE DOCTOR, or the other person in our family who is bipolar but I DON'T WANT TO. I want to sleep. I want this to be over. I want to be NORMAL. I want my intelligence back, my daughter to want to be with me, I don't want 3 different therapists appointments a week (couples therapy, EMDR for Lesley, and my therapist appt). THIS SUCKS!! Well it's about 9pm so it's time for me to head to bed. Better (WHATEVER) living thought chemistry.

A little bit about the 4th floor

I want to let everyone know a little bit about how disorienting the 4th floor is. While I fully admit that I needed to be in a psych ward on Jan 2nd. I do not believe I needed to be there for 10 days. I also think that there are many things about being on the 4th floor that if corrected would make patients feel more like human beings and less like inmates. When I first entered the 4th floor I truly didn't know which way was up. My whole world was gone. I was disoriented and I felt like I was the lead character in a "mind fuck" movie such as Jacob's Ladder, The Matrix, or The Game. If you look back in my blog right before Jan. 2nd I had published a post about INOVA Fairfax screwing up my family and if they would just apologize then everything would be better. On Jan. 2nd, I felt that by going to Fairfax INOVA someone would read my blog and tell us just what they had found out about Cassie's case, why she had died, and what safeguards they had put in place so that no other child would die. I remember bits of the conversion that I was having with my husband in the ER when he seemed to be talking in riddles to me... things like "Everyone is watching you". I felt that if I just said the "right thing" Willy Wonka would come into my room and hand me the keys to the factory. When I was being wheeled onto the 4th floor I heard an announcement for creative therapy starting and I swore it was a code that I was on the floor and all the actors could begin the scenes that would help me get over the loss of Cassandra. I didn't know that creative therapy was the daily time in the arts and craft studio. But enough about me for right now.

There are 4 types of professionals on the 4th floor:

1. Therapists - These are the people who run the therapy sessions. From the community meetings in the morning, creative therapy, movement therapy, group, to wrap up at the end of the day. By and far they treat the patients with the MOST amount of dignity and respect. Without them I don't know how I would have survived. I'd like to send a special shout out to Vern. He really helped me with some major concepts like Higher Power (which I still wrestle with). The one problem with the therapists is that they are not drugged. I don't think that they understand just how slow you become on most of these meds. They rattle off information in the community meeting so quickly most of the patients can't process it. I asked time and time again for the rules in writing and finally got them on day 9.
   
2. Nurses - Some nurses are better than others, I'd say about 2/3 of them treat patients with respect. The answer to issues such as being unable to sleep is ALWAYS more drugs which was very hard because some us us wanted to do this as drug free as possible. I actually heard one night nurse say to another that they do not respect the patients until the patient gets with the program and takes their meds.
3. Technicians - The technicians who monitor the elevator, take vitals signs and walk the floor making sure everyone is still there are the least respectful to the patients. Even though each room has a note on it about how to enter a room, very few of the technicians enter that way. I was actually sleeping one afternoon when a technician came into my room and woke me up to take my vitals. She told me that vitals were soooo important that she had to wake me up (remember I was there because I was manic and hadn't slept for days). Then one of her coworkers or her supervisors came into the room and began fighting with her at the foot of my bed. I told them I wanted to go back to sleep and they told me to go right ahead and they continued arguing. I finally had to leave my room and ask a doctor to remove them. That got them out VERY quickly.
4. Doctors - I was lucky to have a pretty decent care team. There was a doctor, a resident, and a med student. I totally didn't mesh with my Doctor but the resident was very respondent to my concerns. Because I was very foggy for my stay on the fourth floor I actually wrote letters to my doctors with my concerns. Sometimes they would up my dosage of meds and not tell me about it, then the night nurse would be the person who came with extra pills and I would question them. I wish they would explain things a little better and once again understand that all of their patients are drugged out of their gourd.

Well that's a little bit about the 4th floor... I hope you never have to experience it.
There will be more later.
Take Care,
Daria

Back to Work Tomorrow

Tomorrow morning, after my psychiatrist appointment, I am heading into work. This is the first time I will be at work since the end of 2006. How do I feel? Scared, terrified, and sad. My meds makes me so sleepy. I don't wake up until 11am, then I feel thick as a brick most of the day, I'd love a nap at about 4pm and if I don't eat regularly I get the shakes and want to vomit. On top of all of that I have SOOOOO many appointments for myself and Lesley that I need have my work schedule dropped to 4 days a week (or 32 hours). Basically I think I am barely even a shell of the employee I was before my break and if I was an employer I don't think I would want me.

If this is going to be the rest of my life (and people tell me it won't be but who would have the guts to tell me otherwise) I see why manic depressed people go off their meds. This SUCKS and no one seems to hear me say that.

Well it is 10pm so it is time for bed (now that I am on these WONDERFUL drugs.)
Daria

Updates from the Akers

Update on my Dad: Thanks to everyone who thought good thoughts for my dad. His eye is getting much better. He has regained about 95% of his sight. What is left is a small hourglass of haze in the center of his eye. Sight may or may not return.

Update on Me: I am out of the Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP) but still pretty fuzzy from the drugs. If I take them too late at night I am VERY drugged up in the morning (till about 11am). I am seeing a therapist and trying to get with a psychiatrist (it is VERY hard to get an appointment with them). My therapist is awesome. I get my new car tomorrow. Red Toyota Camry Hybrid. Just like Dad's but in a cooler color.

Update on Lesley: She is really acting up and acting out. She could be sick like Todd or my absence and mysterious reappearance has thrown her for a loop. My therapist has suggested that I find an EMDR - Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing - child therapist for her. Basically ANYTHING that will help would be nice right now. That girl is WEARING me out! Her 5th birthday party is on Saturday at Cardinal gym. OHHH yeah and she has several videos up on You Tube now. TAAADAAAAAA. She cracks me up.